I've had the same experience with female friends I had emotionnaly supported for years disappearing the second I manifested emotionnal needs, in some cases at their request.
One of them even did the same with her own brother before me when he transitionned. Dealing with the emotions of her depressive sister was ok but soon after the sister became a brother she told me she had enough of his whining. This was especially jarring coming from a person who had spent countless nights crying on my or my husband's shoulder over some pointless drama.
I came to identify one red flag and one green flag for potential female friends (can be applied to men with some adjustments): Has "girl's nights" where only women are welcome= doesn't see men as fully human, red flag. Is "not like the other girls" = tries to distance herself from that mindset, green flag.
I know I know, "not like the other girls" has been oficially branded as mysoginy by the internet. Green flag.
This is purely anecdotal and comes from some self-reflection, but my partner and i have very different ways of expressing vulnerability.
If I turn to her and say "fuck, what a day! My computer's a piece of shit, everyone i work with is just out to make life hard for me and I didn't get to my workout because i got stuck on a phone call with clients", I may feel like i'm displaying some vulnerability but she thinks i'm just being a whiny bitch.
I don't anyone finds that style of weakness attractive, but I'm finding it very hard to break out from providing a list of complaints and instead processing how they make me feel.
I don't anyone finds that style of weakness attractive, but I'm finding it very hard to break out from providing a list of complaints and instead processing how they make me feel.
...isn't that how everyone starts out trying to share frustrations? This sounds like the exact "if men do it then it's bad" problem we're talking about
Sure, but i think there's something fundamentally childish about that style of complaint. My kid leads with "x did y to me", and if i'm being honest I often do, but I think I'd get more receptiveness if i led with "I'm frustrated because i got stuck on a phone call with my boss that could have been avoided if I'd planned better".
Not sure i've really thought this through, but my sense is that'll be received a lot better.
Your highlighting the sexism, while calling it a good thing
The point of venting is not to hedge and hem and haw about making sure you are taking personal responsibility for your own problems
And it’s something women are never expected to do when being vulnerable, but men are
That’s exactly the sexist problem
When women are vulnerable with each other, they offer support so that the venter understands at a root physiological level that they aren’t alone and that even if they can solve the problem themselves, they don’t necessarily have to.
You are suggesting men keep doing the exact opposite from fucking get go.
Men (especially according to you) have to preface their expressions of vulnerability with “this is my problem, not yours, this does not burden you in any way, I promise” and then they might get a sympathetic ear.
You’re proudly exemplifying the exact sexist problem.
So of course it will be received better, you’ve removed all the effort of being someone’s support before you started, what is there for her to complain about in your vulnerability, you were never vulnerable in the first place!
I don't think I'm articulating myself well, but that's not entirely what I'm trying to say. But I do think there's a difference between how women are vulnerable with each other and how most men are vulnerable. Can't quite put my finger on it, but the former version seems more nuanced and I think if men could be like that then it might be better
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