[DISCUSSION] Weekly Discussion Wednesday - "Learning to wear a mask is the first lesson in patriarchal masculinity that a boy learns"

This week’s prompt is:

“Learning to wear a mask (that word already embedded in the term “masculinity”) is the first lesson in patriarchal masculinity that a boy learns. He learns that his core feelings cannot be expressed if they do not conform to the acceptable behaviors sexism defines as male. Asked to give up the true self in order to realize the patriarchal ideal, boys learn self-betrayal early and are rewarded for these acts of soul murder.”

― bell hooks, The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

PeepinGoodArgs , (edited )

I remember when I was younger and I was at basketball practice. I was nervous pretty frequently, and so I would laugh to diffuse the tension within myself. My dad was there supervising or being an assistant coach or something. Idk. But—and I remember this very clearly—the coach told me to stop smiling because “it makes you look weak.” I looked to my dad for some sort of support and he just shrugged. Fortunately, I didn’t internalize that message.

But I always remember that moment as someone trying to crush some of the boyish joy I had in life. Like, yeah, I was nervous, and laughter seemed like a perfectly reasonable solution. But my father and the coach had grown up in a very, very different environment where moments of happiness weren’t nearly as abundant as they were in my life.

For reference, my father grew up in Atlanta, GA during the Civil Rights Era as an African American. So, it definitely wasn’t all snips, snails, and puppy-dog tails. My coach (also an African American and about my dad’s age) and my father’s emotional self-mutilation was an act of survival. I get that.

But still, looking back, it sucks a lot that they reinforced that sense of danger they’d internalized over the course of their lives and tried to pass it on to me. What sucks even more is that, while I didn’t internalize that particularly patriarchal message, I did internalize others.

I just want to be happy and feel safe. Why is that so much to ask?

Rodeo ,

A little melodramatic, isn’t it?

SoUl mUrDeR!

I thought we were supposed to be having serious discussions about this stuff.

gapbetweenus ,

Poetic was the word you were looking for. And as you can see, it is resonating at least with some, so it is an experience or feeling that for sure is worth talking about.

Also nothing wrong when art does not resonate with you - not every piece will work for everyone.

Papercrane ,

Wow that last sentence hits for me. I’m going to therapy but I feel like some things are hard to unlearn

gapbetweenus ,

Really happy that my parents taught me that it’s good to show feelings. Must suck to not be comfortable to to so. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I feel easier with women than with men, the gap is smaller since there is more emotional vulnerability.

cheery_coffee ,

My parents were not great at this.

I remember growing up my dad was afraid playing with GIJoe and my sister’s Barbies would make me gay, I already wasn’t into sports and I always wore my heart on my sleeve. I remember an uncle saying I would turn out to have “limp wrists” (which was a stereotype of gay people) if we weren’t careful…

I don’t know how or when things changed but over a couple decades things changed a lot. My dad now is very openly emotional and has taken up selling his own art (which he never would have considered manly when I was a kid – weirdly poetry was the only “manly” art in our house). The whole family is very accepting of queer people and other cultures too.

I’m glad things have changed, my relationship with my dad is better than ever and we’re both happy. I won’t say I don’t have scars from growing up with the fear that doing what I liked and showing emotions would make everyone hate me. My heart goes out to actual queer folk and what they go through.

My brothers got a lot more of the attitudes OP mentions and are a lot more typical of your “don’t show feelings” men and it kinda tears me up. I can see when they feel vulnerable and they just shut things down.

gapbetweenus ,

I was lucky, especially considering the country and time I grew up.

But I als feel that it’s changing a lot. Younger people are much more open and better at communicating their feelings.

spaduf OP Mod , (edited )
@spaduf@slrpnk.net avatar

If y’all have any suggestions for next week please post them below.

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