I get what you’re saying (I hope ;-) ) and agree that women are allowed to do things that men aren’t.
[TW: Suicide, violence] I also think there are important differences between male privileges and female “privileges”. Male “disadvantages”* are generally still in the control of males. Military service is (or at least was) something that men (as a class) did to themselves, because they were the rulers. Prohibiting women from working or having a bank account was not something women had control over. Men commit suicide more often than women, but a suicide is still something that is ultimately in your hands - being murdered by your (ex-)partner or some stranger in a park isn’t. Of course it isn’t really that clear cut: how much control do you have when you are suffering from depression? And how much are you to blame for not seeking help when you’ve been trained you’re whole life to be “independent” and not show (or even feel) emotions?
But while it’s definitely not clear cut, I still think there are enough systematic differences to make distinction useful. Especially as the male privileges are much more in tune with what our society values: people get praised for getting shit done (be it fixing cars or shooting them into space), nation wide stories about being a good listener or friend are much rarer. You can amass insane amounts of money, and people will actually admire you instead of calling you greedy, while at least in Germany people start to have prejudices if you have more than two or three kids.
(*english is not my native language so I’m not as nuanced as I’d like to be)
Maybe, we as men, not so much society start pushing that, instead of waiting for others to do it for us.
We need to counter Lad Culture with telling them that talking about their feelings isn’t a pussy action. That we don’t have to wait for a wife to use as a therapist and surrogate mother.
When you see men pushing the toxic policies of “suck it up” on other guys with no cares to the background information, we need to call out the toxicity.
Things won’t get better so long as we enable the worst
Friends and family are the best, or at least the first therapist you should see. An actual therapist is required when the other two failed. That’s how a sane family or group of friends should work at least.
Another thing that we as men don’t want to admit (generalized statement,) are that traumas we suffer can often come from a familial source, and that distrust can poison our attempts to reach out to others.
Worse, those traumas can give improper perceptions about how a family works, and give frustrations due to finding out that your previously assumed normal life was in reality quite damaging for viewpoints when confronting how all the easy lessons we were taught were dead, decayed, and buried by 1970, if not earlier, and we’re working on tertiary information from unreliable sources that are grasping to the past to maintain control in their own lives.
Instead, it explores new expectations for boys and men, such as emotional availability and vulnerability, traits which traditionally belonged to women. Traditional masculinity finds adaptation of those expectations challenging and difficult.
What is unfortunate is that many women still have traditional views of masculinity. Including traits such as emotional availability and vulnerability. These traits clash with their (subconscious?) views of gender roles. It can and does lead to rejection of the male for doing what he thinks he “should” do as a modern man.
Thank you for taking the time to write and share this. I’ll read more and comment when I have more time.
I’m very lucky to have a healthy relationship with my partner where we can both be vulnerable and we support each other.
That said, to get there I also had to integrate the fact that I could be vulnerable whilst also being confident and assert my beliefs, views and opinions (in a healthy way).
This will be a controversial recommendation but “Models” by Mark Manson was instrumental for me in finding this new road to being masculine but in a way that was healthy and respectful. The chapters on aggressive/assertive vulnerability and living your truth especially.
I feel that men today need to learn to live their truth, be proud of that truth and not hide it under traditional gender normes (aka agressivité and blatent sexism) or make it subservant to attone for some original sin linked to their sex.
All humans deserve respect and all humans deserve to be able to speak their inner truth and be vulnerable and accepted, no matter their sex or gender.
This really resonates, mainly because it’s so true. I think a lot of men these days are feeling lost, sad, lonely, and angry. Some of us think it’s because we have forgotten what it means to be a “real” man, and the answer is more bravado, more machismo. But maybe what we actually need is to start learning to communicate with each other on a meaningful level, to redefine manhood in a way that allows us to express emotions in a socially acceptable way, and start forming real, close friendships with other men.
It’s an important topic that is often brushed off due to the individuals that tend to bring them up. The problem is though, that the problems these individuals have are in part caused by the lack of emotional support men receive socially.
I’m not defending any of the macho know-it-all “gurus” that I’m talking about, but I’m just pointing out that it’s important for women as well as men to care about this issue and try to change it in their daily lives, because aside from being toxic to men, it also creates more problems and worsens the existing ones.
How do you try to change it? Just open up more serious conversations with men, talk about feelings, even if they look at you weird at the beginning.
It’s a difficult question and I’m glad the author came clear with the fact they were wrestling with the notion, “does exemplifying good qualities of men inherently take it away from women and others?”
Now in the case where “What about men?” is brought into discussion about women’s rights and struggles, often the intent is to detract the conversation away, which is demeaning. In other contexts, I think it deserves more discussion.
I’m going to go ahead and pin this for a couple days. This is by far the most well thought out piece of OC we’ve had here and I want to showcase it a little.
So conservatives don’t want anything to change and are doubling down on the Old Ways.
The crisis is then that conservatives don’t want anyone to try any alternatives. They blame the alternatives for economic and social realities. They blame problems on people who think in different ways than they do.
I think the crises are authoritarian conservatism and the failures of capitalism. It’s magical thinking to believe that if you vote republican and laugh at lesbians that men will have more sex than they do now.
The crisis is then that conservatives don’t want anyone to try any alternatives. They blame the alternatives for economic and social realities. They blame problems on people who think in different ways than they do.
Uhh, well conservatives fundamentally believe that the Old Ways have stood the test of time. Deviating from it is dangerous and can lead to unforeseen consequences. (Conservative rhetoric characterizes all deviations as either a slippery slope into debauchery, a threat to society, or subtly perverse).
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